I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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