I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
