He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
