nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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