I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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