i would punch a child for taco bell
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
