a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize