i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I've blown a few things in my day
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize