You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
