I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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