the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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