You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
