My hand turned me down
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
