We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
