Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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