I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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