drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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