You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize