i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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