i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
