Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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