It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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