we're chasing vodka with high fives
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
