I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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