He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
