I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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