you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
