i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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