My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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