my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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