Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
