oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
