I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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