Have you finally orgasmed yet?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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