I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
