I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
