My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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