his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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