I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
