i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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