you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
