I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
