They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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