you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
