as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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