nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
