hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
