Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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