I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
