I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
