Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
