you mean i was at the winter classic?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
