he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We're too hungover to prance.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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