my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize