I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
