my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize