I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
