I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
