Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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