What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
