now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize