Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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