EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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