Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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